In an earlier blog, I related how in June 1963, God inspired me to establish the framework for my life, marriage and family. Over a half century later, with my dreams ripped apart, a simple question begged to be answered: What now? Amazingly, an old song, published in 1887, which I learned as a child, pointed me in the right direction:
What a fellowship, what a joy divine, Leaning on the everlasting arms;
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine, Leaning on the everlasting arms.
Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way, Leaning on the everlasting arms;
Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day, Leaning on the everlasting arms.
What have I to dread, what have I to fear, Leaning on the everlasting arms;
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near, Leaning on the everlasting arms
By faith, believing that the Holy Spirit would provide guidance each step of the way, I concluded that I must do three things: face my new reality, partner with Linda’s caregivers and revision my future. Between October 5, 2018, and December 31, 2018, God helped me establish a paradigm.
Face My New Reality
Before there was ever a Ron and Linda, there was a Ron and there was a Linda. Now, it appears that God is leading us toward the time when once again that will be the case; one of us will be living on earth and one of us will be living in Heaven. I can believe that this is unfair and become angry or I can believe that even now, he wishes to use our suffering to draw us near and transform us into the image of Jesus Christ. I believe the latter and am convinced if Linda could join the conversation, she would wholeheartedly agree!
Partner with Linda’s Caregivers
Laying aside the possibility of obvious neglect, I can think of three significant reasons why families have difficulty transitioning from home care to institutional care: guilt, unrealistic expectations and miscommunication. Convinced that neglect was not part of the equation, I focused on the remaining three. Rehearsing the lengths that I had gone to keep her at home, I was able to quickly remove guilt. Narrowed down to the remaining two, I constantly reminded myself that if I could have taken care of her at home, she would not be a resident. Therefore, I purposed to partner with her caregivers to develop mutually realistic expectations and put into place safeguards for miscommunication. It involves a simple principle: The antidote for confusion is the dissemination of correct information. Practically applied, when in doubt, ask questions. Thus far, it has worked well; and two years into the journey, I do not anticipate failure.
Revision My Future
Now, let’s return to my opening question: What now? The answer became clear on Christmas day. With her love of festivities, Linda had always made this day special; and she delivered once again – Big Time!
At different times, for two days, the family had brought her gifts and expressed their love. Despite her confusion, she had enjoyed it all. After everyone left, I stayed; and she gave me a precious Christmas gift. Sitting in her chair and looking toward the window, with a very pleasant expression on her face, she said: “This is a nice place, I like it here.” Then, as I was preparing to go, she reached up and kissed me. As always, my heart melted.
Later, I drove up to Knoxville and enjoyed a wonderful evening with Linda’s oldest brother and his family. After returning home, in the early morning hours, I addressed: “What now?”
- I must never again expect Linda to be able to meet any of my needs, as she has in the past.
- My joy must be in ministering to her and savoring those wonderful moments when she recognizes me and gives me an unexpected gift, such as she did today.
- I must survive and thrive as a model for others to follow, especially my children and grandchildren. In order to do this, I must take care of myself spiritually, emotionally and physically.
- I must constantly remember to focus on Linda’s gain, not my loss.
Have I managed to do this perfectly? Are you kidding? There are days when my heart screams for the life that I once had; however, I am pleased that I am haltingly moving toward Paul’s ideal:
No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one
thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on
to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God,
through Christ Jesus, is calling us (Philippians 3:13-14 NLT).
Ron Harvard Ministries 