In last week’s blog, I related how the fourth stanza of Robert Frost’s, “The Road Not Taken,” pointed me toward greater freedom and joy than I had ever known:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Carefully note that I emphasized “pointed me toward.” Achieving greater freedom and joy than I had ever known, required making some tough decisions. In today’s blog, I will cover a very short period of time (1/18/2019 – 1/28/2019); however, significant changes in my thinking were beginning:
Despair Does Not Have to Be Permanent.
I determined regardless of Linda’s advancing dementia, I could be happy. This required a change of focus – from loss to gain:
“This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!” (Romans 8:15-17 MSG).
Guilt and Unrealistic Expectations Must Be Rejected.
Thankfully, our family – children, grandchildren and siblings – all worked together to arrange a Florida vacation and assured me they would see Linda was cared for while I was gone. Amazingly, understanding where I was, they all agreed to carry out my instructions:
At some time while you are visiting, go to her room and check for the following:
- Are any of her clothes in the trash baskets?
- Is the toilet paper roll nearing empty?
- Does she have hand soap on her vanity?
If any of these conditions exist, bring it to the attention of the nurse on duty. She or he will be wearing a burgundy outfit.
Further, their nightly texts provide a beautiful snapshot of patience and love:
- “Hey Grandad. I am just leaving Grandma. She was very sweet! There were no clothes in her trash baskets, the toilet paper roll was full, and she had hand soap on her counter.”
- “Linda was fine tonight. One lady pulled the fire alarm, but Linda handled it quite well. It kept going off and Linda looked at me and said, ‘I’ll bet some kids are doing that.’ She had plenty of soap, tissue and nothing was out of place.”
- “Linda was fine. She was sweet, though taken with her baby dolls. The caregivers continue to be beyond kind and helpful. She is well- taken care of!”
At the end of the week, on my way home from Florida, I called Legacy Village and arranged to see Linda. Arriving a little after 7:00 pm, she was already in bed. When she saw me, she flashed her beautiful smile. I knelt by the bed, held her hand and told her how much I loved her. She responded by telling me she loved me and gave me a kiss. It was a tender and wonderful few minutes that I will always cherish!
As I read my journal notes to prepare these thoughts, I revisited two realities that have moved from the initial stages of development toward realization. Though not complete, progress is being made. At this point, it is best described as two steps forward and one step backward:
- Guilt has no place in my life. I am looking forward to standing before Christ and hearing his assessment of my care for Linda: “Well done, good and faithful servant!
- Unrealistic expectations are not only emotionally and physically harmful, they are spiritually debilitating. They originate in a lack of trust and manifest as an attempt to do those things of which only God is capable. The Holy Spirit is enabling me to surrender my inadequacy to the Grace of Christ.
Dead Caregivers Help No One.
Over the years, I had put my life on the back burner for so long that I was unaware of, or maybe unwilling to face, what was happening to me physically and emotionally. Instructions given by flight attendants to passengers regarding oxygen masks illustrate my point: “Always fit your own mask on before helping children, the disabled, or any persons requiring assistance.” In my case, those words began to take on a new meaning. I was no longer dealing with the possibility of a hypothetical disaster. Rather, it was encroaching Alzheimer’s and the person requiring assistance was my precious wife. A long overdue and much- needed change in my thinking was taking place!
Ron Harvard Ministries 