Preserving Identity

Throughout a person’s life, the search for identity is an ongoing process. Watching my children, grandchildren, and now great-grandchildren has been an educational process. Even though each came from the womb wired differently, their search followed a predictable path. Greatly simplified it looks like this: Who am I? How can I relate to the persons, things and places surrounding me? What should I do with my life? When those questions are properly answered, marvelous opportunities for growth and satisfaction are discovered. Dementia shortcuts those opportunities and gradually moves the sufferer in reverse order back through the process of discovery. In the prime of her life, Alzheimer’s, which fits under the larger umbrella of Dementia, threatened to destroy Linda’s sense of self-worth, dignity and awareness of accomplishments. As a family, we determined that her sense of self- worth and dignity must be preserved, and her accomplishments never forgotten.

Children’s Response 

While Linda was still living at home, our daughter Stephanie developed two memory walls: In one hall, pictures of our growing family were prominently displayed. The second hall allowed her to see parents, siblings, nephews and nieces. When struggling to understand her identity, a visit to these two halls helped her to temporarily put the pieces of her life back together.

Before moving into Legacy Village, all of our children furnished her room. Comfortable furniture, familiar pictures, framed verses of scripture and colors she loved were chosen with the intent of making her feel at home on day one. When seeing it for the first time, her beautiful smile signaled their goal had been achieved.

For Mother’s Day of last year, our daughter Melinda made a frameless album in booklet form, with pictures of Linda, me and all of her family. Each entity identified the persons in large print. The picture accompanying this blog shows Linda as she attempts to put it all together. Her Activities Director reported that in the end, she was all smiles.

My Response

The progression of the disease has not followed a predictable path. Rather, it can best be described as a circuitous downward trajectory. In the early stages, she tried to figure out why this was happening to her, but was able to submit her will, and ultimately her life, into the hands of God. This was not surprising to me because throughout our many years together, when faced with insurmountable problems or sorrow, her belief in the sovereignty, love and goodness of God always prevailed. Later, as her memory and ability to reason became increasingly impaired, attempts to maintain a connection with life as she had known it focused on relationships, things and places. My interaction with her on May 31, 2020, illustrates this pattern:

• She wanted to know if I had a wife. Upon hearing she was my wife, she expressed delight and said, “I wish we could get together.”

• Several times during our conversation, she showed me flowers she had picked in the garden.

• Following an established pattern, she wanted to know where I lived. My usual answer, “about five miles away…near enough so that I can talk to you each day,” satisfied her.

Presently, even though the pandemic has made it impossible for me to have normal visits; each day when I Face Time with her, I always let her know she is beautiful, greatly valued, immeasurably loved and moving toward being with Jesus forever.

Timely Affirmation

Lest it appear that my family and I have it all together and everything is on cruise control, let me hasten to say that as long as we see our loved one suffer, the pain will never completely go away; however, God’s timely interventions are amazing. Personally, each time I question whether Linda and I have made a difference in the lives of others, God sends someone to set the record straight. Excerpts from a recently received email paint a word picture I will never forget:

We attended East Athens…while I was at UGA… We had just gotten married…Those were the happiest days of our lives…my wife’s father was a pastor…and you filled a large vacancy in her life by being our pastor after she left home… I also remember our Sunday school teacher, Linda, who had a brilliant smile and eyes that seemed to glisten when she smiled.  Linda welcomed us into the church family with open arms.  She was the epitome of grace, elegance and what it was to be a Godly woman.

It has meant so much to me to have your blog to read and draw from because my wife’s father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s…Your insight and experiences… have given me a different perspective and outlook on this terrible disease.  It is not hopeless and Christ is still in control.