Maintaining Balance

A caregiver to a dementia patient often finds the chasm between hope and hopelessness seemingly insurmountable — with no way over, around, or through in sight! A year ago, on almost this same date, in the midst of the pandemic and only able to visit Linda by Face Time, I recorded these thoughts in my journal: “It has rained or threatened to rain all day and my emotions have run the gamut. By faith, I know that a truth given 2600 years ago extends to me, For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11 NLT). Nevertheless, I am often flooded with sorrow and would like for Linda and me to go home together. That said, I am fully committed to obeying God and, above all else, want to please him in everything I do. When I fast forward to Heaven, I am comforted in knowing that Linda and I will spend eternity in the presence of our Glorious Savior.” Since expressing my feelings on that day, I have often returned to God’s promise for a future and a hope. 

Blessing Linda

My time spent with Linda last Sunday represents opposite ends of an emotional spectrum. Before heading to Knoxville for a wedding celebration, I stopped by Legacy Village for a mid-morning visit. She seemed to have a clear grasp of our relationship and we spent nearly an hour together. I told her stories covering various aspects of our lives; and we sang love songs, fun songs and Christian songs. I walked out to my car rejoicing over her demeanor. The events of the next several hours were not on my radar screen. Less than sixty miles up the road, I received a message informing me Linda had fallen and was complaining that her head was hurting. After speaking with the nurse on duty, as well as her Primary Care Provider, I gave instructions to wait for my arrival and, unless complications were noted, not send her to the Emergency Room by ambulance. Sending her into a totally unfamiliar world, surrounded by persons she did not know, would have been traumatic. When I arrived, she was walking down the hall carrying her baby doll, with a forlorn look on her face. Seeing me, she reached out her hand and emphatically said, “I love you!” When I wrapped my arms around her, she started sobbing.

After getting her checked in at the hospital, I was relieved to see she was calm; however, that soon changed. Waiting for an extended period of time in a small, windowless exam room, created anxiety that caused her to cry out in fear when finally being examined. Much to my dismay, that proved to be a warm up for the difficulties experienced in completing the CT scan. Despite my assurances she was safe, Linda was terrified and had to have her arms immobilized and a strap placed around her head. In order to comfort her, the technicians fitted me with a lead jacket, which allowed me to hold her hand, and sing with her throughout the scan. Amazingly, near the end, she had calmed down. After determining there were no injuries to her neck, face and brain, she was discharged. Later that night, I wrote in my journal: “Seeing her so terrified, and my inability to do anything more than I did, was overwhelming. I am emotionally and physically exhausted.” Looking back, I wish I had demanded she be given a sedative!

Receiving Blessings

I am surrounded with emotional and spiritual support from my family and friends. God hears the prayers, some from people whom I have never met, and gives me strength to maintain a routine of spiritual and physical discipline. I also receive inspiration from great authors and teachers. Finally, I find it wonderfully refreshing to sing with Linda some of the great hymns from the old Red Back Hymnal. In the coming week, Living by Faith will be our top choice:

Tho’ tempests may blow and the storm clouds arise, Obscuring the brightness of life, I’m never alarmed at the overcast skies, The Master looks on at the strife.

I know that He safely will carry me thru, No matter what evils betide, Why should I then care tho’ the tempests may blow, If Jesus walks close to my side.

Our Lord will return to this earth some sweet day, Our troubles will then all be o’er, The Master so gently will lead us away, Beyond that blest heavenly shore.