When watching a loved one struggle with a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, it is normal for them, as well as for us, to ask, “Why?” As would be expected, in the beginning Linda struggled more than I. After all, she was the one beginning an unplanned journey into the unknown, while I was, at that time, a mere observer. Gradually, two things enabled her to receive peace: While her cognitive abilities were still largely intact, she was able to grasp the relationship between human suffering and God’s Sovereignty. Secondly, she received and believed Jesus’ promise that He would never leave or forsake her, and, of lesser importance, my commitment to walk with her in sickness and in health until separated by death.
Soren Kierkegaard, a nineteenth-century Danish theologian, wisely noted, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Obviously, fulfilling that ideal requires believing understanding will be gained in Heaven; and, in the meantime, we are called to successfully live in the present. Easier said than done, right? For me, the tipping point was concluding that serving as Linda’s primary caregiver required that “Why” must become subservient to “How:” How can I adjust my life so that I may honor God, receive the blessings to be found in this challenging new field of service, and grow spiritually in the process? Though the circumstances surrounding Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” were completely different than my challenge, the basic principle applies:
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to relieve me of this. But he answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me (2 Corinthians 12:8-9 TPT).
Never knowing what might come next, adapting to the moment became a top priority, which continues to this day.
At Home
As noted in previous blogs, prior to October 2016, our routines, with minor adjustments, continued as usual. Then, in a moment our lives were changed forever. Through no fault of her own, Linda, my precious wife, best friend, and ministry partner became a person I did not know. I was soon taking care of all my responsibilities, and, over loud protests, hers as well. With help from family, and, at a later time, paid caregivers, our lives returned to some semblance of normalcy as I played the role of husband, parent to a sometimes-unruly child, dispenser of hope, and coordinator of medical care. My most difficult assignment was occasionally being forced to be a stern father figure. Those moments were always followed by grieving on my part.
At Legacy Village
When Linda became a resident of Legacy Village on October 1, 2018, being a primary caregiver did not end. Rather, a shifting of focus took place. Much to my relief, Linda adjusted to her new home rather quickly. Surrounded by loving caregivers and fellow travelers into the unknown, she was soon enjoying life again. The picture accompanying today’s blog is somewhat unusual in that she is in a slightly somber mood; however, her family and friends will quickly verify she is not unhappy, not when a great dessert is concerned! The following excerpts from my journal depict, over a period of three days, the great extremes in her range of emotions and needs:
- When I arrived on Monday, she was standing in her room with a blue throw draped over her shoulders, weeping profusely. Seeing me, she fell into my arms saying, “I am so glad you are here!” Even though she was unable to tell me why she was sad, I sensed her need for a loving father who knows how to comfort his little girl through play and began animatedly singing, complete with exaggerated facial antics, some of her favorite fun songs. It worked! When her crying turned to laughter, we then happily danced like small children.
- On Wednesday, while taking our customary walk, she tightly held my hand while caressing my arm, repeatedly telling me, “I love you!” After about fifteen minutes, I asked her if she wanted to return to her group or continue walking with me. Without hesitation, she said, “Stay with you!” At this point, her ability to intellectually understand the romantic relationship between a man and a woman is inconsequential. The far more important issue is multifaceted: She was able to express her affections in a beautiful and precious way; and I was able to be for her, in that moment, whoever she needed me to be. Was I her “Prince Charming,” of all those years ago when we were dating; or was I her loving husband of fifty-eight years, come next Tuesday?
Ron Harvard Ministries 