Prior to the onset of Alzheimer’s, Linda and I often dreamed of the things we wanted to do and the places we wanted to visit in our old age. Instead, after the diagnosis, facing what lay ahead, we persistently prayed that as long as we live on this earth our lives might manifest the marks of the Kingdom: righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. As the disease progressed, relieved of many of the cares of life that we once shared together, those virtues seemed to shine brighter than ever in her life. Conversely, I have walked through many days when it seemed as if the sun were hidden by thick clouds and I had run off the road into a ditch of despair. During those times, the advice of a very wise man helped me stay focused:
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track (Proverbs 3:5-6 MSG).
Developing a meaningful narrative of the last two weeks, which will provide greater insight into my thoughts, was quite a challenge. Therefore, despite the obvious disadvantage of appearing to be choppy, I have chosen four excerpts from my journal which depict the pain, as well as the joy, we experienced:
- She held my hand most of the time that I was with her, frequently dropping off to sleep while displaying soothing behaviors — rubbing my hand vigorously and clapping her hand against mine. Later, I summarized my feelings: “It hurts to see Linda as she was today; however, I rejoice in knowing her certain destination and, that upon reaching it, she will never be confused again.”
- In an effort to distract her, and also give me an idea of where she is physically, I invited her to go for a walk. Surprisingly, she was able to get out of her chair with very little assistance; however, I took precautions to see that she was supported as we walked. The Activities Director told me that off and on throughout the day she had been emotional and quiet, participating very little with group activities. Later, I summarized my feelings: “I believe that Linda is nearing the end of her journey, but I have certainly missed that before. My prayer is that God will mercifully, for her and me, not let her linger in suffering.”
- The caregivers told me that Linda had been walking most of the afternoon. When I joined her, she seemed distracted and, a few minutes later, forcefully expressed gas. Taking her to the bathroom, I found that she had a severe impaction. While waiting for the nurse, she told me, “I am scared.” After determining that the impaction could not digitally be removed, the nurse inserted a suppository. While waiting for it to take effect, we resumed walking. After some time, breaking her silence, she said, “I believe the Lord is going to help me.” Overnight and during the next day, she was able to find relief. When I visited the next afternoon, she was more coherent and at peace than she had been in several days. As mealtime approached, I told her that I had to go; she, with some disappointment, said, “You do?” After assuring her that I would come tomorrow, she sweetly said, “I will miss you.” I left the building rejoicing over the wonderful change in her behavior.
- The next day, I received a midafternoon call informing me that, even though all her vital signs were normal, Linda was not responding to efforts to awaken her. Unshaven and still attired in my workout clothes, I rushed to Legacy Village and found Linda sitting in a chair with her head slumped over. Kneeling beside her, taking her hand in mine and softly greeting her, I saw her feebly smile and attempt to respond. With the assistance of a caregiver, we carried her to her room and put her to bed. Knowing that she had not eaten lunch and was now unable to drink water through a straw or sip from a cup, I made the decision to carry her to the Emergency Room. After completing a urinalysis, blood panel, and CT scans of her head, chest, and digestive system, a definitive answer, apart from the progression of the disease, could not be found. Since returning to Legacy Village, she has functioned much as she did before this frightening and inexplicable episode.
For me, the picture accompanying today’s blog accurately portrays my situation; I identify with the older man holding the hand of the love of his life. Surely, he is thinking that just above those thick clouds, the sun is brightly shining!
Ron Harvard Ministries 