Two weeks ago, I stated:
After so many years of walking with my precious wife through the “Long Goodbye,” I have had great difficulty envisioning life on earth without her. Slowly, I have accepted that God’s plans for me continue after her homegoing; however, fulfilling His calling will require a drastic adjustment in the way that I conceptualize and do ministry.
In that blog, my focus was upon “after her homegoing.” Today, my focus will be upon “prior to her homegoing.” I will stress the importance of expressing my emotions, as well as my mind and will.
Living in Linda’s World
As Alzheimer’s moved from a minor inconvenience to significant impairment, my family and I developed strategies for keeping Linda in, or at least returning her to, our world as much as possible. This included having family pictures in both hallways of our home, one devoted to immediate family and one devoted to extended family. When she struggled to “connect the dots,” a visit to these hallways was very beneficial. I also became proficient in telling her stories that sparked memory traces and singing songs, albeit off key, from her childhood.
Over time, our efforts had less and less impact, and reluctantly we changed our focus to living in her world. This strategy included, and continues to include, attentively listening to, and even participating in, whatever delusions she is experiencing. After nearly four years as a resident of Legacy Village, her maternal drives are increasingly focused on caring for her baby dolls. While visiting, I often assist her in holding them and become their voice as they tell her, “I love you, Mama.” This interaction serves a dual purpose: the joy that she receives from my participation is a source of great pleasure for me. Even as I write these words, I find myself smiling at the memories. At the other end of the emotional spectrum is the intense helplessness that I feel when I watch the love of my life have physical problems that I cannot solve.
During the past week, in an attempt to solve the dilemma of painful impactions, I spent a great deal of time dialoguing with the nurses at Legacy Village, the Hearth Hospice nurse, and Linda’s Primary Care Provider. Regardless of our collective best efforts, the stark reality is that Linda’s condition is not going to improve. Instead, she will continue to decline until the moment when she is released from her earthly body and ushered into a glorious eternity with her Lord.
Living in My World
I have always known that the very characteristics that have enabled me to become a successful caregiver to Linda, left unchecked, can have a debilitating effect on my personal health and happiness. Thus far, I have largely chosen to ignore it. The creation story speaks to my dilemma: “… the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person” (Genesis 2:7 NLT).
I, like Adam, have been designed to express this divine life through my mind, emotions and will. However, throughout my long ministry, I have tended to rely upon my mind and my will, demand the impossible out of myself, and dare my emotions to complain. Unfortunately, I have carried that same mentality into my role as a caregiver. My body is now signaling that a change must take place. In a recent conversation with one of my closest friends, I shared, “I have released Linda to the Lord and am prepared for her death.” Much to my surprise, he said, “Ron, that is not true. You may have mentally released her, but you are certainly not emotionally prepared for her to go.” Wow! The truth sure can hurt!
Over the next several days, after thoroughly rehearsing that conversation, I came to two conclusions: I don’t think it is possible for me to fully emotionally prepare myself for her death until that time comes. In the meantime, I must continue to live in her world and meet her needs to the best of my ability; at the same time, I must learn to fully live in my world. Practically speaking, that means I must refuse to see myself as a third wheel when attending social events, recognize that my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren need me now more than ever, and once again actively engage in those activities that bring me joy without any feelings of guilt.
Wrapping up My Thoughts
What I have written thus far seems so logical and doable; truthfully, for me, it is tantamount to climbing a spiritual Mount Everest! I must continually remember: “I can do all this through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13 NIV).
Ron Harvard Ministries 