In four days, we will celebrate Thanksgiving. As this special day draws near, I am so appreciative of forgiveness of my sins, establishment of a new identity in Him, and a certain hope of spending eternity in Heaven. This year, as I helplessly watch Alzheimer’s relentless quest to consume Linda’s personhood and ultimately take her life, those feelings are far more intense. I recently wrote in my journal: “I marvel at how this despicable disease has transformed my precious wife into but a shadow of the capable and vibrant woman that she once was; I equally marvel at how much I adore her and am thankful that God has used her suffering to teach me what true love is all about!”
Our Journey
In past blogs, I have chronicled the unique ways that God taught Linda and me to submit to His will. In this continuing pursuit, nothing is more significant than James’ instruction: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you” (vs. 5 NIV). Over the course of many decades, when we faced insurmountable obstacles in ministry and hardships in our family life, we often did not know what to do. During those times, we rejoiced in the assurance that God was ready to provide, without highlighting our faults, the needed solution. The picture accompanying today’s blog illustrates our continuing approach to the battle that we are facing.
I continue to be amazed at Linda’s capacity to never give up, and her obvious desire to relate to her Savior. Last Sunday, during the brief chapel service at Legacy Village, it warmed my heart to hear her sing almost all the words of each hymn, and at one point, exclaim: “That is good!” She also listened with rapt attention as the message was presented. Later, I recorded in my journal, “Even though she is slipping further away, today was a great blessing to me. She cannot return to my world, but I find great joy as I visit in her world.”
Monday’s visit was a study in contrasts: Linda was very happy and talked freely, mostly in ways that resembled a word salad. At the other end of the spectrum, she told me: “This is a beautiful place, my parents are here.” Numerous times, with her beautiful smile in full display, without my first telling her, she said, “I love you.” Near midnight, I recorded in my journal, “I am still trying to understand what happened today. Perhaps, it is best to just accept it as a Christmas gift in November!”
On Thursday, my sister and I arrived at Legacy Village to celebrate the annual Thanksgiving meal with Linda. We were not prepared for what was about to take place. She was crying when we arrived. Ordinarily, I am able to calm her down; however, nothing worked and she cried throughout the entire meal. In her agitation, she banged on the table, scattered food on her plate, and mostly resisted my efforts to assist her. When I tried to help her with drinking, she spilled a cup of water all over the floor. In the midst of the chaos, something beautiful occurred: Very quickly, the new Executive Director and her administrative staff, demonstrating servant leadership while insisting that it was not a problem, cleaned up the mess themselves. After the meal, we watched an old Lawrence Welk show. In a matter of minutes, she calmed down and stopped crying.
Eventually, Linda will be unable to feed herself. In the meantime, it will be necessary for me to put together a team to assist her in eating. On Friday, I took the first step and committed to being there each day for the evening meal. She was drastically different than she was the night before. As we spent time together before heading to the table, she held my hand, entrusted me to hold her baby doll, asked me if I had a mother, and out of nowhere said, “I want to see Michael.” After the meal she said, ‘Thank you for helping me.”
My Retreat
A simple hymn, “The Wonder of it All,” encapsulates the foundation for my overwhelming gratitude.
There’s the wonder of sunset at evening,
The wonder as sunrise I see;
But the wonder of wonders that thrills my soul
Is the wonder that God loves me.
There’s the wonder of springtime and harvest,
The sky, the stars, the sun;
But the wonder of wonders that thrills my soul
Is a wonder that’s only begun.
O, the wonder of it all! The wonder of it all!
Just to think that God loves me.
O, the wonder of it all! The wonder of it all!
Just to think that God loves me.
Ron Harvard Ministries 