As Linda and I continue our journey through the “Long Goodbye,” the picture accompanying today’s blog evokes feelings with which I am very familiar, and am experiencing at this very moment! Since becoming a primary caregiver to my wonderful wife, I never remember being absolutely certain that I knew what was coming next; however, I walk in the assurance that God knows and has promised to be with me. Commonly speaking, reassess means to consider or assess again, especially while paying attention to new or different factors. With this goal in mind, today’s edition includes several updated and revised portions of previous blogs.
Past Instructions
In the spring of 2017, confusion was descending upon Linda at an unprecedented rate, creating uncertainty about what I should do next. So, I determined, in the midst of the chaos, to increase my efforts to secure an answer from God. At that point, I did not understand that God had been speaking; however, my preconceived ideas as to how he would answer had short-circuited my capacity to hear him. Then, I experienced an amazing breakthrough that transformed my thinking, and ultimately my life. In the early morning hours, Linda was sleeping in our bedroom, and I was at the other end of the house, lying on the floor in the hallway. God very clearly impressed upon my heart: “I love Linda more than you do. She is mine, and you are to entrust her to me.” As the truth sank in, I began the painful process of surrendering my will to God. Since that time, two things have become crystal clear: He plans to heal her in Heaven and not on earth. He intends to transform the way that I see and do life.
On June 21, 2018, fearing the progression of this horrible disease and being aware that ultimately it would take her life, I asked God two questions: What will I do without Linda? How will I survive? The Lord strongly impressed upon my heart that I must change my focus — from my loss to her gain. In the nearly four and one-half years that have passed since receiving those instructions, I have often emotionally taken two steps forward and one step backward. In many ways, this halting forward movement correlates with the unpredictable progression of this horrible disease, followed by brief interludes when it seems that improvement is occurring.
God’s intention to transform the way that I see and do life is taking me in a direction that I had never anticipated: In the past, due to my perfectionistic bent, I have spent an inordinate amount of time focusing on my failures, failing to appreciate my successes, and never truly accepting God’s unconditional love. That which I conceptualized as humility, God has revealed to be a subtle form of pride. Thankfully, that painful aspect of my transformation has opened the door for me to understand the marvelous truth that just as God loves Linda more than I do, He loves me more than Linda does. Now, I am able to more fully grasp the intent of Paul’s assertion and faithfully live it out each day:
…Even in times of trouble we have a joyful confidence, knowing that our pressure will develop in us patient endurance. And patient endurance will refine our character, and proven character leads us back to hope. And this hope is not a disappointing fantasy, because we can now experience the endless love of God cascading into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who lives in us (Romans 5:3-5 TPT)!
Present Circumstances
A month ago, Linda fell and cut her head. Having to be immobilized, wear a cervical collar, and be transported by ambulance to the Emergency Room was a very frightening experience for her and difficult for me to observe. Thankfully, the physical wound has now healed; however, that event seemed to signal that the probability of a more rapid decline has begun. Previously, the unpredictable progression of the disease had taken place within the framework of a larger somewhat predictable pattern — best described as a circuitous downward trajectory, which usually included a crisis, followed by a decline, and then a plateau. Now, her difficulty with chronic constipation, greater sleepiness, unsteady gait, and episodic crying are far more prevalent. Obviously, these significant changes are in the forefront of my thinking and prompt me to ask a pivotal question: Has the final decline begun or will there be another plateau? Regardless, thanksgiving in all things has always been an important part of our life, and I am confident that I speak for the two of us in proclaiming:
…give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations (Psalm 100: 4b-5 NIV).
Ron Harvard Ministries 