Today’s blog, with minor revisions, was first published on September 5, 2021: As a long-term primary caregiver to my wonderful wife Linda, I am often asked by those who are just beginning the journey how to prepare for victory and avoid defeat. My answer begins with a simplistic assertion: “Far more important than how many times you stumble, or even fall, is how many times you get up and keep on going.” The wonderful old hymn, “Stand by Me,” illustrates the beginning of my answer and sets the stage for a meaningful conclusion:
When the storms of life are raging, stand by me;
When the world is tossing me, like a ship upon the sea,
Thou who rulest wind and water, stand by me.
In the midst of tribulation, stand by me;
When the hosts of hell assail, and my strength begins to fail,
Thou who never lost a battle, stand by me.
In the midst of faults and failures, stand by me;
When I do the best I can, and my friends misunderstand,
Thou who knowest all about me, stand by me.
In the midst of persecution, stand by me;
When my foes in battle array, undertake to stop my way,
Thou who saved Paul and Silas, stand by me.
When I’m growing old and feeble, stand by me;
When my life becomes a burden, and I am nearing chilly Jordan,
O Thou Lily of the Valley, stand by me.
The composer, Charles A. Tindley, the “Father of African American Hymnody,” was appointed Pastor of Bainbridge Street Methodist Episcopal Church in 1902. Growing up in very difficult economic circumstances, years earlier he had served as their janitor; his worldview was not disconnected from the storms of life, serving as the foundation for his understanding that he must always lean heavily on the power of God.
Now, for the conclusion of my answer to the original question:
Grow Through Your Mistakes
In my youth, working with my father, a carpenter who became a successful building contractor, I was able to see mistakes as an opportunity for growth. His words still echo in my mind: “Son, if you’re not making mistakes, you’re not doing anything! Pick yourself up and keep on going!” Later, this worked well because it allowed me to extend grace to my parishioners who were struggling with life; however, evaluating my own mistakes was a different issue. I demanded perfection in my performance, and anything less was seen as failure! It took the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s in the love of my life to set me free from performance and personal acceptance of grace. Searching for answers and finding a dearth of practical information, I quickly discovered that trial and error was my most effective tool in meeting Linda’s needs.
Do Not Face Your Struggles Alone
In the early years, this was my single greatest mistake. Attempting to shield Linda and concerned that my parishioners would not extend to me the grace which I extended to others, I turned my pain inward and suffered alone. After retiring from the pastorate, as this horrible disease progressed, I finally reached out to family and friends and found not only a willingness to help, but a sincere desire to come alongside me in ways I had not imagined. Looking back, I now realize not only had I brought unnecessary pain on myself, but I had also prevented the very people Linda and I loved so much from receiving blessings they deserved. Unwittingly, I had built a wall between the pew and the pulpit and made a scriptural mandate I dearly loved of little value in my own life:
The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don’t, the parts we see and the parts we don’t. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance (1 Corinthians 12: 25-26 MSG).
Accept God’s Greater Plan for Your Life
My stubborn insistence that God heal Linda in this life resulted in a myopic view of His eternal purpose and limited my ability to understand that our suffering would result in a myriad of victories for both of us. Gradually, I have personally grasped the meaning of Job’s surrender: I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes (Job 42:5 NLT). If God had answered my prayers in the way I wanted them answered, I would not be writing this blog. I had no inkling God intended to use my struggles as an opportunity to bless others with what I have learned.
Ron Harvard Ministries 