Linda went home to be with her Lord seventeen months ago. Today, as I recuperate from total hip replacement, I find it uplifting to reflect on my thoughts, as I expressed them in Walking Victoriously Through the “Long Goodbye” on November 7, 2021:
… I have spent hundreds of hours visiting my wife Linda, a resident of the memory care unit at Legacy Village of Cleveland. This has allowed me to build wonderful memories which I will treasure after her homegoing. My time with her, as well as the opportunity to observe the residents, caregivers, and family members interacting, has taught me more about the unique challenges of Alzheimer’s than I have ever learned in a classroom.
Love is an Action
Primarily, our culture depicts love as an emotion; however, the Bible defines love as an action:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV).
Last Wednesday evening, as I watched caregivers carrying out their normal routines and visitors expressing love to their family members, it dawned on me that I was seeing Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages carried out in real time. The following vignettes demonstrate love in action:
Words of Affirmation – Some time ago, a resident suffering uncontrollable changes in her behavior accused a caregiver of not caring for her, and ended her verbal barrage by stating, “I hate you!” Taking it all in stride, the caregiver sweetly responded, “I love you!” On a personal note, about a year ago, Linda started outgrowing her clothes. Standing in front of the mirror, she disdainfully said, “I have got to get this weight off; I have never been this big.” Defusing her frustration, I admiringly looked at her and said, “I think you look great!” My reward was a big hug.
Quality Time – With a never-ending series of things to do, I am deeply touched when I see caregivers single out residents for special attention. One particular scene is permanently etched in my mind: The Nurse, while conducting a meds pass, came to a resident with numerous cognitive and physical impairments. It would have been easy to reason, “I will finish this quickly and move on.” Instead, she knelt down and at eye level, speaking words of endearment, carried on a conversation while administering the medicine. We sometimes halfheartedly ask, “What would Jesus Do?” This exchange gives the answer loud and clear.
Gifts – During the pandemic, standing outside a window while trying to communicate through mobile phones was challenging. Amazingly, Linda, by selecting some of her most precious possessions and proudly holding them up for me to see, found a way to give me the best gift she had to offer. More recently, the Activities Director asked the residents, “What special things did your kids enjoy while growing up?” Linda wanting to participate, but unable to understand the question, held up our clasped hands and said, “My husband.” If I were to list my favorite gifts, these two would be at the top.
Acts of Service – This expression of love is almost commonplace among caregivers; however, it would be a huge mistake to allow it to be thought of as such. Assisting with toileting, bathing, serving food, preparing for bed, and washing clothes are essential to the well-being of those who are suffering from Alzheimer’s. My appreciation for those devoted persons who care for my precious wife grows each time I see them perform these tasks. A willingness to carry out their duties cannot be measured against a pay check, and can only be explained as a divine calling.
Physical Touch – Essential at any stage of this horrible disease, it becomes increasingly important in the advanced stages, as other means of communication become more challenging. Near the end of October, Linda and I went for a walk in the courtyard so she might see the jack -o’- lantern. While there, we encountered another resident being taken for a walk by a caregiver. Noticing she was crying, Linda tenderly touched her arm and asked, “Are you okay?” Receiving no reply, she reached back and patted her shoulder as we walked away. Alzheimer’s has not robbed Linda of her desire and capacity to meet the needs of others.
Love Counters Cynicism
Persons living outside the confines of a memory care unit could take a cue from what I have described above. In our larger society, cynicism and vitriolic language are increasingly being accepted as normative. Living in an era when the values of the world were in sharp conflict with His followers, Christ outlined a better way:
You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:43-44 NIV).
Ron Harvard Ministries 