The Passage of Time

My precious wife Linda went home to be with her Lord on May 23, 2023.  The passage of time has uncovered a conundrum in my life. I desire to embrace God’s promises and plans for my future; however, the pain that I experienced during Linda’s long struggle with Alzheimer’s tends to tether me to the past and numb my capacity to dream. Soren Kierkegaard’s words speak to my dilemma: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” With this in mind, I revisited the thoughts that I journaled during the final four months of Linda’s life on earth, which can best be described — for both of us — as great pain interspersed with greater victories. In many ways, those four months serve as a microcosm of our journey into “The Long Goodbye,” and serve as a roadmap for my future without her.

Great Pain

On January 29, 2023, Linda fell and fractured her hip. Even though I had grown accustomed to making unilateral decisions that we had once made together, this was drastically different. I was forced to choose between surgery or natural healing. Either way the probable outcome was the same: without a miracle, she would never walk again, and the quality of her life would be greatly diminished. Under normal circumstances, surgery would have been the obvious choice; however, moving her into a series of unfamiliar places would exacerbate her existing anxieties, and sedation would have a negative effect on her already impaired cognitive capacities. Therefore, I chose the course of natural healing, which necessitated her being immobilized in a hospital bed with a Hip Abduction Foam Support Pillow between her knees.

In the past, after Alzheimer’s had turned our world upside down, I intentionally worked to help her make meaning of life. This was a new ball game. With ever-increasing confusion, she looked into my eyes searching for answers that I did not have. If I had not been surrounded by my family, friends, and wonderful support staff, I would not have survived.

Greater Victories

February 3, 2023 — As Linda lay sleeping, I whispered, “Honey, I wish that you could talk to me.” Suddenly, in my spirit, I distinctly heard a quiet, still voice that gave me a hint as to what God planned to accomplish in the midst of great pain, “I AM here, and I will talk to you!”

February 14, 2023 — She was sweet and alert when I arrived, but then closed her eyes while I read from the Psalms. Afterwards, I was able to get her to eat a significant portion of her breakfast. When I returned for the evening meal, she was sleeping. Briefly opening her eyes, she greeted me with a smile and then promptly went back to sleep. In an effort to keep her awake while she ate, I sang a ditty to her, “Chew, chew, chew your food, and swallow it all down.” She thoroughly enjoyed it, and when I told her how much I loved her, she said, “You are my sweetheart!” Only God knows how much I needed to hear those words on Valentine’s Day.

March 19, 2023 — I awakened Linda with, “Hello Beautiful, I love you!” She responded with a very excited smile, verging on the border of a laugh, and I could see her hand moving under the sheet as she was trying to reach for me. Taking her hand, I leaned over to kiss her on the forehead and noticed that she was preparing to give me a kiss on the lips. At that point, she broke a long-time promise, “I won’t kiss you if you grow a beard.” That little peck on the lips was one of the sweetest kisses that I have ever received.

April 16, 2023 – In the previous week, Linda, in a loud, stuttering cough tried to tell us, to no avail, how she felt. Conversely, while listening to a hymn describing Heaven, she said, “That is good!” We knew the end was drawing nearer.

May 11, 2023 — Linda awakened as I came into her room and was obviously very happy to see me, but soon started crying. After receiving medication, she calmed down and I was able to feed her. While listening to a song about Heaven, I told her, “We are going there someday, and it will be wonderful.” She suddenly looked at me and exuberantly said, “I love you!”

As the clock continues to tick, I am comforted in knowing that words penned over three thousand years ago provide an answer to the conundrum that I am facing: Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever” (Psalm 23:6 NLT).